On 30/03/2020 at 4:33 PM, Steam said:

 

I have had the experience of being in a country pub in Scotland when the locals all brought their musical instruments along for a session.  Half of them were accordians!  Never have I heard so many try to play the same song at the same time    

6.45am Covid 19 crisis.

 

long queue of seniors waiting for Coles  to open the door.   Along comes this 20 something young guy charging towards the front trying to get to the front of the queue.....  A grey hair lady on a walking frame watched him comes towards her She gets out the walking stick and wack him over the head and knocks him out....   the crowd cheers the little old lady and the noise wakes this young guy up.  He gets back up and powers through the crowd....  A short bloke then puts his legs out and makes him trip and fall,  the mob then get what they can to retrain him.....  The police arrive and puts him in cuffs.   

The officer saids “ it’s not your turn this morning, bit disappointed that someone like you do this, you should have more respect for the elders”. 

The young man then replies; “ if I don’t get to the front door and open it, no one gets in”. 

23 hours ago, glenm64 said:

That is pure gold!?

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little brat is called Kevin! ..

Day six of Quarantine!

 

40 minutes ago, Willco said:

When they stand too close to you ... you tell them to

Far Queue...  

stay the fcuk at home 
 

 

I was surfing the net a while ago and came across an add that said "The last wallet you will even need!"

 

I thought about it for a while and decided I wasn't going to go anywhere near it.  My reasoning was the only way it could actually guarantee that it would truly be the last wallet you would ever need is if it killed you before you could need another one.

 

Steer clear guys, poison wallet alert!

 

 

 

A little longer than your average joke, but it's quite interesting..

Here;s one my 97yo grandma told me earlier in the week.  

 

Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, Boris Johnson and Scomo and a School boy  are on a plane which is about to crash and there's only 4 parachutes for the 5 passengers.

 

Donald Trump grabs the 1st parachute and says.  "I'm the smartest person in the USA and my people can't do without me",  then jumps out of the plane

Boris Johnson grabs the 2nd parachute and says "My country needs it's prime minister",  then jumps

Scomo grabs the 3rd parachute and says "I can't miss out on the  family holiday we've got booked",  then jumps

Angela Merkel turns to the school boy and says,   "I've lived an long and rewarding life so I'll let you have the last parachute so you get a chance to do the same"

the school boy says,   don;t worry Miss,  there's still two parachutes left.   The smartest man in the USA took my school bag.  

15 hours ago, Cafad said:

I was surfing the net a while ago and came across an add that said "The last wallet you will even need!"

 

I thought about it for a while and decided I wasn't going to go anywhere near it.  My reasoning was the only way it could actually guarantee that it would truly be the last wallet you would ever need is if it killed you before you could need another one.

 

Steer clear guys, poison wallet alert!

Reminds me of the old joke about the wristwatch with a lifetime warranty; when the mainspring breaks it slashes your wrist.

 

 

In these digital days it's a bit archaic.

I edited this a little, hope it is OK to post .........

 

but one does have to spare a thought for these poor birds with us not at the beach now .......hahahahaha

 

Edited April 5, 20205 yr by April Snow

On 02/04/2020 at 1:10 PM, sir sanders zingmore said:

stay the fcuk at home 
 

 

 

 

 

Sacha Baron Cohen as a Mossad Agent.

 

Edited April 6, 20205 yr by mrbuzzardstubble

Quarantine one liners :

1. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

2. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

3. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

4. every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

5. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

6. Quarantine Day 4-Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

7. I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?