Groover ! Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Q............................Whats the difference between a car tyre and 365 opened packets of condoms? A ........Ones a Goodyear and the later is a bloody good year !!!! Angelo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wile E Coyote Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 these are all oldies but goodies: Q. Are you sexually active? A. No, I just lie there. -------------------------- Q. What is your date of birth? A. July 18th. Q. What year? A. Every year. -------------------------- Q. What gear were you in at the time of impact? A. Gucci sweats and reeboks. -------------------------- Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A. Yes. Q.And in what way does it affect your memory? A. I forget things. Q You forget? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten? ------------------------- Q. How old is your son? A. Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q. How long has he lived with you? A. Forty-five years. -------------------------- Q. What was the first thing your husband said when he woke up that morning? A. He said, "where am I, Cathy?" Q. And why did that upset you? A. My name is Susan. ------------------------ Q Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A. Did you actually pass the Bar exam? --------------------------- Q. The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he? --------------------------- Q. Were you present when your picture was taken? --------------------------- Q. So the date of conception wasAugust 8th? A. Yes. Q. And what were you doing at the time? --------------------------- Q. She had three children, right? A.Yes. Q. How many of these were boys? A. None. Q. Were there any girls? ----------------------------- Q. How was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? ----------------------------- Q. Can you describe the individual? A. He was about medium height and had a beard. Q Was this a male or a female? ---------------------------- Q. Is your appearance here today pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No, this is how I dress to go to work. ------------------------- Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people. -------------------------- Q. All of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A. Oral. ---------------------------- Q. Do you recall the time you examined the body? A. The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m. Q. And Mr Dennington was dead at that time? A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ----------------------------- Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A. I have been since early childhood. ----------------------------- Q. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? ---------------------------- Q. Did he kill you? ----------------------------- Q. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? ------------------------------ Q. You were there until the time you left, is that true? ----------------------------- Q. How many times have you committed suicide? ------------------------------ Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement? A. Yes. Q. And these stairs, did they go up also? ----------------------------- Q. Mr Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn'y you? A. I went to Europe, sir. Q. And you took your new wife? ----------------------------- Q. You were not shot in the fracas? A. No, I was shot mdway between the fracas and the navel. ---------------------------- Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A. No. Q. Did you check for blood pressure? A. No. Q. So, it's possible the patient was alive when you commenced the autopsy? A. No. Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor? A. Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. Q. But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A. It is possible he could have been alive and practising law somewhere. --------------------------- Q. And where was the location of the accident? A. Approximately milepost 499. Q. And where is milepost 499? A. Probably between milepost 498 and 500. ---------------------------- Q. Sir, what is your IQ? A. Well, I can see pretty well, I think. ------------------------------ Q. Did you bloww your horn or anything? A. After the accident? Q. Before the accident. A. Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. -------------------------------- Judge. "Well, Sir, I have reviewed the case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." Husband. "That's fair, Your Honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betty boop Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 just checking the news on the age this morning. saw the rather sombre news that a car bomb had exploded in baghdad hurting some aussie soldiers. Very serious business and luckily no one got killed. and not a lauging matter. But then looking at the photo on the article I just had to laugh. The soldiers had the bonnet up on a rather second hand 1960s VW beetle (probably still smouldering) - on the side of the beetle was the letters "GTX". hehehe I always knew these cars were a bit of a bomb !! no offense beetle owners - I know theres a lot of you out there!!! http://theage.com.au/ http://theage.com.au/ftimages/2004/10/25/1098667697302.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam-O Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where: means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes: (_!_) ...a regular ass (__!__) ...a fat ass (!) ...a tight ass (_*_) ...a sore ass {_!_} ...a swishy ass (_o_) ...an ass that's been around (_x_) ...kiss my ass (_X_) ...leave my ass alone (_zzz_) ...a tired ass (_E=mc2_) ...a smart ass (_$_) ...money coming out of his ass (_?_) ...dumb ass Adam 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vagabond1503559575 Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 I can't see a donkey in any of those. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveb1503559504 Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did you drink?!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem? 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. 3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. 4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. 5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. 6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. 9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.' 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. Questions... 1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed? 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse? 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'? 7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? 9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? 10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing? 11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? 12. What do people in China call their good plates? 13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 14. What do you call male ballerinas? 15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? 16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? 19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window? Universal Truths 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. 8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 11) You never know where to look when eating a banana. 12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. 13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. 14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. 15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. 16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. 17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches. 20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong. 22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. 23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. 24) You never ever run out of salt. 25) Old ladies can eat more than you think. 26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. 27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. 32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. 34) Bricks are horrible to carry. 35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. 36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. SteveB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurie Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 A nice old gentleman living next door to a beautifully blonde was watering his lawn one afternoon and noticed her checking her mailbox, after 10mins or so she came out and checked it again! this went one for sometime so he went over and asked her "What are you doing..." she replyed bl00dy computer it keeps telling me I have "mail" cheers laurie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delbz Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was scrounging around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. So I walked over and lifted up her tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum. That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do," asks the doctor." "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey honey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurie Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Hmmmm I wonder have far can we stretch our friendship with coral...nah I'll back off. cheers laurie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorchie™ Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Keep it clean; Google Caching never lies! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_Barber Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 There's this bloke, Bob, and he sees the ad in the paper for an assistant for a modelling agency. He thinks "this sounds alright" so he calls the agency's Sydney office to see if he can get an interview. The agency rep explains that there is a significant amount of international travel, and long hours looking after world famous supermodels, and because of that they always travel first class, and does he think that would be acceptable. Bob agrees, first class international travel would be OK. The agency guy asks Bob if he's allergic to suntan lotion, as part of the job description is to apply suntan lotion to the models when on location photo shoots in the Carribean. Bob confirms that he is not allergic to suntan lotion. The last qualification that the agency needs to confirm is that Bob is not gay, because often these lonely models on location do desire some intimate male company and the agency assistants are expected to put in that extra effort to keep the supermodels happy. Bob is very keen to confirm that he qualifies on all counts. Finally the agency guys asks Bob if he knows where Albury is. Bob says, "Yeah I know where Albury is, is that where the interviews are being conducted?" "No" the agency guy answers, "that's where the end of the queue is." JB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenneth1503559512 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 How about an oxymoron (pardon the spelling if it's wrong). Proper Digital TV in Australia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aqua Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Patient: "Please cure me. I'm a kleptomaniac." Doctor: "Try these pills. If they don't work, could you get me a DVD player?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenneth1503559512 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Patient: "I keep on thinking I am seeing a black border around my screen when I am watching Win TV" Doctor: "Take two of these pills and if the problem persists, buy a new TV" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gclark8 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 More Jokes: http://www.cyclingforums.com/f40 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datvman Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 How about an oxymoron (pardon the spelling if it's wrong).Proper Digital TV in Australia <{POST_SNAPBACK}> MICROSOFT WORKS! is another one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenneth1503559512 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 How about an oxymoron (pardon the spelling if it's wrong).Proper Digital TV in Australia <{POST_SNAPBACK}> MICROSOFT WORKS! is another one <{POST_SNAPBACK}> And Government Promises is another one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa1503559644 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 How about an oxymoron (pardon the spelling if it's wrong).Proper Digital TV in Australia <{POST_SNAPBACK}> MICROSOFT WORKS! is another one <{POST_SNAPBACK}> And Government Promises is another one. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> And the eternal favourite ... military intelligence! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gclark8 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Airline food Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa1503559644 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 German humour. ___________________________ Just kidding! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa1503559644 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Oh, and while I'm at it, I might add "fun run"! __________________ And, here's one for Ian, I heard the other day, too - "Reagan's Memoirs" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenneth1503559512 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Also, Free Lunch (unless of course Tech. has a free sausage sizzle but that hardly ever happens). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa1503559644 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 [Anything] Service. (Eg public service / civil service (a double-oxymoron) / postal service / etc) ____________ I'd better stop now, this could go on forever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ijd Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 civil service (a double-oxymoron) I love this one! Mind if I borrow it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gclark8 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Recently displayed on posters by our local council "Bassendean Fair" the local community news paper even picked that one up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts