I'm a pawn stars fan too. It so happened that I watched The Internship yesterday.

 

Piss poor movie that was.. (I hate Google ;D)

 

 

 

Ha!

Here ya go Willco

 

 

Security Pants  ;)

 

[embed=425,349]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyXXZfqp12Y[/embed]

 

(I'd imagine there'd be a huge market demand for these in [Country deleted] ;D)

From kids exams:

 

 

 

 

 

more to come...

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since it is close to Christmas:

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

 

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

 

Dear Dr. Phil,

 

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favourite pastime - fishing.

I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner who, it turned out,

 

loves fishing as much as I do.We quickly became "fishin' buddies."

As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that

I spend too much time out on the lake.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.

 

Not only did I catch the most beautiful fish you've ever seen,  but only a few minutes later Sam must have

caught its twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice fish that we caught and showed the picture to my wife,

hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!

 

And she wants me to sell the boat!  I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do?

 

Continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

 

Thanks,

Eddie.

 

 

 

P.S.  Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two fish we caught.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Eddie,

 

 

Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.

Those are two very nice fish!

 

Dr. Phil

Ah Well let's not forget Xmas-it's the time to be GAY

 

W

 

Dear Dr. Phil,

 

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favourite pastime - fishing.[/size]

I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner who, it turned out,

 

loves fishing as much as I do.We quickly became "fishin' buddies."

As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that

I spend too much time out on the lake.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.

 

Not only did I catch the most beautiful fish you've ever seen,  but only a few minutes later Sam must have

caught its twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice fish that we caught and showed the picture to my wife,

hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!

 

And she wants me to sell the boat!  I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do?

 

Continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

 

Thanks,

Eddie.

 

 

 

P.S.  Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two fish we caught.[/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Eddie,

 

 

Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.[/size]

Those are two very nice fish!

 

Dr. Phil

I'm joining you on your fishing trip whether you like it or not.....

A 3 month pregnant women falls into a deep coma, 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

 

 

 

What do scooters and fat chicks have in common?

 

They're fun to ride until your mates find out.

 

 

 

What do scooters and fat chicks have in common?

 

They're fun to ride until your mates find out.

 

 

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Xmas Day Comments

 

 

 

1:  I prefer breasts to legs.

2:  Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3:  Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4:  If I don't undo my trousers , I'll burst !

5:  I've never seen a better spread !

6:  I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7:  Are you ready for seconds yet ?

8:  It's a little dry , do you still want to eat it ?

9:  Just wait your turn , you'll get some !

10:  Don't play with your meat !

11:  Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12:  Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once ?

13:  I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time !

14:  You still have a little bit on your chin.

15:  How long will it take after you put it in ?

16:  You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17:  Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18:  That's the biggest bird I've ever had !

19:  I'm so full , I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20:  Wow , I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
 

From JOHN CLEESE

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Bugger! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 

Regards,

John Cleese , British writer, actor and tall person

Edited December 23, 201312 yr by Rob181

That is really offensive stereotyping. I'd write more about that particular issue but I have to go and turn the sausages.

Yes, if I wasn't so full of tinnies I would be offended too.

When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said,
'English speaking taxi driver'.

 
I thought to myself, 
“What a brilliant idea. Why don't we have them in Australia?â€