The Official Fat Axl Thread

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

OMG kiddies! OMG! We are part of worldwide and celebrated movement! This is big - order yours today before stocks run low!

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

In other news, the entertainment industry is abuzz with the news that legendary mogul/genius Kanye West has signed on to helm the production team for the upcoming Gunners LP, tentatively titled 'The Ego Has Blanded'.

Confirmed 'feature artists' thus far include Sir Paul McCartney, Scary Spice and the guy from the Backstreet Boys that always tried to look a little tough while dressed in a white linen suit and holding a falsetto...

More, as always, as news comes to hand...

[shaky]

OMG kiddies! OMG! We are part of worldwide and celebrated movement! This is big - order yours today before stocks run low!

Now I know you are completely full of journalistic integrity @@Hi-Fi heathen and am not doing this tough assignment for plaudits but, seeing as though you have brought the FatAxl movement to the Commonwealth, I suspect a knighthood may be in order direct from Lizzie herself. After all it is a life changing achievement for many, much moreso than Sir Paul MacCartney getting his title for being able to hold a guitar left handed or Sir Michael Caine for driving a Mini.

I don't think it's premature at all when I say congratulations, Sir Heathen.

Edited May 2, 2016 by shaky

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

Ah Shakster, my dear boy! I know decorum dictates I now brush you humbly aside and laugh away such plaudits as just so much foible BUT, my dear man, I think in this case such pleasantries might be dispensed with. We are among friends here I am sure.

As such, I shall cut to the heart of the matter and state categorically that I wholeheartedly agree that proper recognition by our adored head of state is due - given due considerence of the gravity of this assignment. And I thank you sir for your recognition of the value of my work. It gets a mite lonely and dirty down here in the trenches but we persevere against all odds in our ceaseless quest for TRUTH. Such determined and relentless drive is what marks us. What makes us stand apart as men. And knowing that there are other noble warriors among us, whose thirst we can help slake by the very nature of our quest. Well...

And what's that schmuck Jagger done to warrant his knighthood lately anyway? Teamed up with most obvious name he could find in the theatrical arts to further exploit music fans for ever larger financial gains? Much less that que#r pianist chap who single handedly DESTROYED AN ENTIRE CALENDAR YEAR by having a cheesie warble over the dead Slapper Princess. Bugger him - or perhaps don't depending on your personal proclivities - he does nothing to warrant such titular honors! These has-beens and hacks already insist on clogging the arteries of the music industry with their box-sets and their reunion tours and the likes. Put 'em to pasture says I and let us usher in a new generation of miscreants and truth mercenaries - the likes of yours truly; a crusader for all that is good and righteous!

Vote Heathen for Sir!

Edited May 2, 2016 by Hi-Fi heathen

[shaky]

Just more fuel to the fire as I see it- Another well and truly unsung achievement by you, our intrepid and pioneering, dare I even add trail blazing, correspondent in those international trenches, dont forget your outstanding and informative reports with their natural angle. I mean it's obvious to at least myself that you are an expert in the field of nature, what with your reports about wombats and walruses (is that the correct plural of walrus or is it walri? Hmmm, walrus, walri, octopus, octopi, platypus, platypi ....makes sense to me...... I bet FatAxl would love some platypi, especially with a nice homemade tomato sauce and a side of fries.......Anyway, I digress.....). By comparison (I do apologize here as there really is no comparison) let's just look at that bloke that's supposedly at one with nature, and no not that American cheapskate who goes by the name of Bear, but Sir David Attenborough himself. What's he done for his title? Thrown together a couple of tv specials, using a decent camera crew, is all. Really? Come on. You're a shoe-in, son. (Apologies again, this time for the familiarity used). Perhaps, rethinking this, then a knighthood is beneath you- could we perhaps see in the not too distant future HRH HFH, the new king of New Zealand? I'd be sitting by your phone if I were you (only a figure of speech of course as I wouldn't be so pretentious as to think you'd require my, a mere dedicated followers, advice). I'd expect you'll be getting that call from Her Maj very soon.

[ThirdDrawerDown]

"For services to literature." You'd have earned it. Some of those trenches are deep and dark places indeed.

I look forward to that post- millenium modern take on the venerable teadition of royal and honoured commemorative limited editions of unlimited actual print runs. In line with the internet age and the dominance of non-U popular culture in the U dialogue, the commemorative box set is only a knighthood or a celebrity heart attack away.

[Jesco]

Well there I was my fine feathered friends, trawling the back alley boutiques of West Beverly Hills in pursuit of THE FACTS as always. Flying the flag of true and ethical music journalism was I, chasing down a hot tip that The Fat Wombats manicurist had a scoop so intensely dirty - so completely earth shattering - that only yours truly could encapsulate it in the frame of absolute and unbiased TRUTH that it deserved. I had only arrived at the manicurists salon and was stepping across the threshold whence upon I was betwixt by a sight so utterly hideous as to leave me dazed and blinded by it's fierce and utter YUCKNESS...

'Thunderbirds Are Go' the creature shrieked as it leapt from it's chair, one hand French tipped, the other gnarled and twisted. It exited with haste, a grotesque two legged crab like movement with arms flailing - it howled into the night...

Ladies and gentlemen, fans of TRUE JOURNALISM everywhere, I give you - Synthetic John... Enjoy.

 

BOGGLE...

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

I awaken from slumber. 5.45am and still dark out. The room lit dimly by light of an ignored television screen, muted in the corner. Some rhinestone suited, toupee haranguing an auditorium full of the wretched and hopeless about a death worse than death that may be avoided by provision of ones credit card details. I look away. I remember little from the night before. Things get a little hazy from mid afternoon but three days with no sleep will do that to a man. Sleep calls but I know I have a higher calling. I slip quietly from the dishevelled bed, careful not to wake the beautiful woman purring gently next to me. She'll see herself out. Poor girl. She's had so much surgery even her own mother doesn't recognise her. But she's happy. Content in the knowledge that looking good is all that matters. She introduced herself last night as Diamond Kitty, an actress dancing in a downtown club called The Growling ***** while waiting for her big break. A quick peek at her licence while she powdered her nose showed her to be one Blanch Williamson of Minnesota. I elected to forgive this small deception. It's hard to hold such a thing against a girl after a performance such as the one she just put on.

The assignment is all. First up today is an interview with the ghost of Whitney Houston. Bobby Brown has sent 'dat lazy ho' back out to work but lounge acts just aren't in demand as they once were. Even Celine Dion is struggling to hold down a gig in this post Elvis Vegas. Whitney's picked up a temporary role as an ambassador for DARE. Ironic, but it's that kind of world. Her people have been very strict about what 'refreshments' may and may not be served during the course of the interview. I'm not the sort to share my goodie bag anyway.

Dinner last night was with the Ginger Wombat. He was seeking advice on how to 'maintain street cred' while accepting the role of international spokesman for Jimmy Craig, a new weight loss programme marketed specifically toward men. 'I got nothing', was all I could offer.

Rock n Roll was dead the day a 16yr old Australian boy named Daniel Johns got himself an eating disorder in lieu of a smack habit. He had achieved fleeting fame as an angsty teen shrieking unconvincingly about an overweight chap with insufficient access to clean drinking water or some such. Rock n Roll used to be dangerous - now it's afraid of a fu#king sandwich.

Later another Australian darling, Heath Ledger, died from a Desperate Housewives-like drug habit and is now to be forever remembered as 'gritty'. I'm not even sure what a Six Seconds Of Summer is. Harry Styles hasn't got a thing on Harry Death who's currently serving time for manslaughter. Mr. Styles is meanwhile getting 'perfect perm' tips from Tay Tay - who may or may not be a praying mantis with a penchant for diet pills - in the hope she'll have him back. Love is a cruel mistress. Tay Tay more so.

Yes my friends, I hark back to a time when rock gods were just that. Oh how I yearn for Jags in swimming pools, CRT TV sets being launched unceremoniously from hotel windows and fish being stuffed in places fish ought never swim.

Fame and celebrity have been cheapened. God may hate a coward but he hates the Kardashians more. In defence of the girls - what hope did they have? With a step-father whose claim to fame is lopping off his own manhood so he could make the cover of Vogue and get on the lecture circuit touting a new era in woman's rights... Alas, as I check my msgs this morning, I'm forced to give up after the 83rd selfie sent by Kim overnight. The girl makes Narcissus himself look modest. Still no word from Britney but I live in hope. She's my all time favourite Fat Slapper and I tell her as much at every opportunity and yet still, my repeated marriage proposals go unanswered. Which may be for the best as I'm not sure how the dear Mrs. Heathen would feel if I moved a former teenage sexpot into the house. That Kevin Federline is still living on her couch does nothing to help my cause.

It's now 6am and the first rays of morning light streak across the sky outside my kitchen window as I alternate lines of coke with gulps of tepid, stale coffee. I take heart in the fact that somewhere out there, Paris Hilton is flipping burgers to support her Chihuahuas raging meth & handbag habits. Lionel Richie's dreadful skank of a daughter - ol' what's her name - just doesn't bother getting out of bed anymore. Her skeletal frame barely supports it's own weight and even the smallest sized designer duds simply hang off her like sack cloth. It's true, there is still justice in this world.

I step outside and start my motorcycle. No, not a Vincent Black Shadow as REAL JOURNALISM simply doesn't pay like it used to. And as I ride away on my Suzuki GN125, it's single headlamp cutting a dim swathe through the cold morning gloom, I realise this is but a metaphor for my own existence...

Onward. Ever onward. For just as the death of his meal ticket did nothing to slow Bobby Browns habit, the ghost of Whitney Houston waits for no man...

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

And for the record, @@shaky - I applaud your command of the queens English... Heaven forbid, but in this day and age most would assume the plural of Walrus to be Walrus-is-iz...

A hearty commendation to you indeed sir. You can darken my porch any time!

[shaky]

Thanks, sir, for the nice sentiments but alas, according to the newly refreshed 2016 version of the Oxford dictionary both the spelling of the singular and plural forms of the word previously known as 'walrus' have been updated. 

 

The singular form is now 'wAxlrus' and plural does indeed contain a z, 'wAxlrusez' as, apparently according to the good folk at Oxford 'it looks much more rock'n'roll'. 'We tried to fit three 6s in there too but it just didn't make any sense'

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

I'm truly gobsmacked. How can that be so? Yes, the English language is a diabolical and contrary language at the best of times - but the plural of Walrus is Walruses? So next time my kids 'fink' sumink or 'sitted' with their friends at lunch time and I go to correct them - will this prove to be correct too? Is 'youse' now a word too? Is 'sup dad' an acceptable greeting? ...stop the ride folks, I think I wanna get off...

[Guest]

Much like Agent Smith in The Matrix, this thread has gone rogue, taken on a life of its own and is growing beyond control.

Where will it all end.....?

Who knows.

I'll be watching from the sidelines, beer in hand, as I feel this has gone way beyond fat-reference memes provided by Google image search and shallow jokes about W.aXXL-rus...

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

You're not wrong there. I suspect you'll find reality there on the sidelines with you... Might be time to wind this mess up. I've been waiting for a mod to shut it down and kick me off the forum tbh!?

[betocool]

At some point this felt like that ch-ch-ch-chained thread, only in this case it's fat/cut/aged celebrity chained to the other. So far we've covered pretty much everything from Fat WAxlrus, passing through FatElvis, Celine Dion, Britney Spears, the Kardashians, Kanye West, Paul McCartney (will it turn to Paul McKanye?), something that used to be John Travolta, all to the Hilton Hotels/Girls and Whitney Houston. All others who behave in an orderly fashion, they do not belong here....

[ThirdDrawerDown]

that last line, with its Radiohead reference: I see what you did there.

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

Sneaky pop culture references are the highest form of wit...

[Guest]

Sneaky pop culture references are the highest form of wit...

Yeah, well....that's just like your opinion, man.....

[betocool]

*i'm wondering if i should tell them i've no idea which radiohead song they're talking about, it was a lucky coincidence*

 

Yeah, thanks guys, it just came to me

[shaky]

.......Might be time to wind this mess up......

Where's your integrity, sunshine? Time to man up and keep going. I mean you're not some Brian Johnson type guy who gets an 'earache' and it's all over, are you?

Seriously now folks, speaking of Radiohead, I heard the dulcet wail of one Thom Yorke over the radio this morning. They have released a new song to the unsuspecting public overnight and a new album due later this year.

[Martykt]

Pfffft !! How can we take a new Radiohead album seriously.......

Sure every band on unearthed will still claim they sound like Radiohead but he's NOT FAT !!!!

Sure he's got a haggard beard and a lazy eye but how can we accept an aged rocker who hasn't packed on too many of the kgs ????

[Martykt]

Geeez even Thom Yorkes cat doesn't get it !!!

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

Sweet Jesus man! That is truly hideous!

Fame, fortune, critical acclaim and the unwavering support of a global fan base and somehow Whinging Thom comes out the other end of it all looking like a trolley pushing, homeless meth drinker... Kinda makes a case for going under the knife. Also proves that there ain't no cure for UGLY!?

@@Martykt, welcome to the Fat Axl thread. Pull up a chair and get comfy - that kind of contribution is simply invaluable!

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

Where's your integrity, sunshine? Time to man up and keep going. I mean you're not some Brian Johnson type guy who gets an 'earache' and it's all over, are you?

Thank you for that slap upside the head. My concerns were, of course, not for myself but lay in my worrying I might be scaring the yokels a little... Me, I'm having a great old time spitting this dribble and it sure beats doing my job... I certainly hope others are getting a giggle too. I'm a selfless being essentially... But seriously, when even @dirtyvinylpusher thinks you're going off the deep end a little... Well, you gotta wonder...

But you're quite right man, we're chock full of grit man and we must move onward. Ever onward to expose the often seedy and always ugly underbelly of this monster we call rock!

[Reverend Johnny Heathen]

Seriously though, somebody give that man a bottle of shampoo and a bar of soap! ...the album art for the next release threatens to be Collins-esque... Whinging Thom will have a cloud of flies around him...

Love ya Thom-Thom!

[Martykt]

As an important public service announcement to all the young budding Rockers out there let Whinging Thom be an example to you all........ This is what Veganism and healthy living will lead too....

So kids grab your bucket of the Colonel's finest and a half drunk bottle of Woodstock that someone put their cigarette butt out in and twist your fingers into some weird horn shape and spew forth!!!!

Don't give in to the urge of skip diving and tree hugging like your Uncle Thom- Thom...... Sandles will only give you blisters !!!!