Improving performance

NEW DRUGS FOR MEN

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole new line of drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared with a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.

PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks--especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wife had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweetie expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA: Has the exact opposite affect of Viagra, currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA: This drug has the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

CAPAGRA: Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

LIAGRA: This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.