djb Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Interesting situation an old loner friend who I have mentored for some years has decided (prompted by me) to quit the dialysis program because hevha no LQ ( life Quality). Jive expectancy after quitting thebrogram is 14 days He/we are at day 11in palliative care I am there every second day we continue to talk several times a day on phone He gets weaker I'm hurting His distant family visited couple of timesv Suspect as rolling stone he has caused the distance Tomorrow we design the funeral he paid for 6 weeks ago Famiy cleared his aged care facility a few days ago Hospital don't quite know where a friend who is not a significant other fits. So tomorrow we do funeral He has rejected "last rites" Not eating I'm tempted not to post this I may remove it later 4
Dolphy Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) Sorry to hear it mate. My wife is a dialysis nurse and has been treating long term patients for many years. Many of the patients have become family friends and along the away we have lost a few. Keep strong mate and remember the good time. Big hug Edited August 10, 2014 by dolphy 2
evil c Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 That is the overriding concern to many - death with dignity on our own terms wherever possible surrounded by those we love or alone depending on your preference. Always should be a celebration of a life well lived in an ideal world! You have my deepest sympathy mate! 3
Saxon Hall Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Sorry to hear you are hurting David Whenever I have lost a loved one I just think that at that very moment someone else is being born. Sometime back I lost my sister and father on consecutive days and that was one of the things I thought of that helped me cope. I think that your mate would be grateful to have a friend with him in his final days
Monty Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) David, it is a special thing you are doing, giving palliative care. All strength to you. Help your friend to be as comfortable as he can be and talk as much or as little as he wants to. Just be there. Funerals, though, are for those left living, so more complicated. You need to make room for the family, however distant they have been. You never know how different people are going to grieve. But sometimes it comes out mad, especially if people feel forgotten or excluded or that they should have done more. Best wishes. Edited August 10, 2014 by Monty
buddyev Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Its so easy to come up with cliches about death - almost everything you can say about it in support of someone seems hopelessly lacking. I have no doubt this experience is more painful for you than it is for him. He, after all, has made a clear-minded decision that he's ready to go, and all you can do is look on and support him in his decision. He is a very lucky man to have someone see him through his last days - it's probably the greatest thing you can do for anyone. Stay strong, David. 3
caddisgeek Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 You're doing a very good thing djb, but it must be very draining for you. Make sure you are looking after yourself so you can continue to look after mate. Let me know if you need to catch up
wolster Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 In between visits and responsibilities, play some of your favourite music, djb. Good for the soul. 1
djb Posted August 10, 2014 Author Posted August 10, 2014 I'm OK Thanks all just Thoughtni should be honesty Very good advice from all Posted not meaning to elicit sympathy bu thought you would 1,have ideas 2 Be interested voyeurs on the experience Yes funerals are for the living Yes a baby is brn fr every death The monk offered to attend but it didn't seem to fit Think patient was careful of his families Catholis sensibilities A week from death andnsocial controls still in place I've helped other old ppl (my parents) plan funerals years early This funeral though could/should statistically be this week! On another plane we laugh And get angry on the phone Women turned up at hospital and paid him money she d owed a long while! Do we laugh or scream? He >complained .no doctor had been near me for 3 days" Theatrical pause Djb > " you aren't here to get better!" Laughter 4
Addicted to music Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Sorry to hear that djb, I understand the pain your going through. My wife is a Enrolled Nurse who works at an Age Care Facility in Altona. When they make that decision, you need to respect them if that's where they want to head. I have said to my wife and kids that if I can't wipe my behind cleanly, I will make that decision and you must let me go. I say this because my dad is paralysed from the neck down and he has been in a high care Facility in Springvale for the last 2 years. Every time I go and visit him he is just not the same person, the drugs to null the excruciating pain changes a person drastically. I take my daughter with me to see him but it's really hard to let kids witness the change even though she is 18. My dad is unable to make that decision, he is kept alive buy powerful drugs, there is no fix because at 90 all the doctors have written him off and all there trying to do is make him as comfortable as they can.
Luc Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Well done David. I did a similar thing a bit over a year ago and mentioned it here in a new thread and I was quietly comforted by the responses of the members here who took it upon themselves to give a considered response to my pain on watching/losing a friend as he died. I hope you pull up ok from it, yes it can become a bit habitual as we age and friends and rellys drop off the perch and another month or two goes by and it's another funeral or a bedside vigil but that's what that thing called friendship+love is all about in the end isn't it; you do what you have to do but more importantly you do what you need to do. I'll share a glass with you come Oct for departed friends. Regards Lee.
Soundscape Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Life's a piece of shi', when you look at i' Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true You'll see its all a show, keep 'em laughin as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you 2
djb Posted August 10, 2014 Author Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) Rehab who's verse? Luc you do what your character says you must do Ie need to Family is closer you share it with siblings -old family jokes -nephews nieces in room with grandad for the last few hours This is lonelier and harder cos i could walk away but won't/can't Life a earning experience ths s a new curve This google search returned nothing useful "death etiquitte planning funeral of person who is present" Edited August 10, 2014 by djb
Volunteer sir sanders zingmore Posted August 10, 2014 Volunteer Posted August 10, 2014 The situation that you and your friend find yourselves in is undeniably sad, very sad. But there is also honour and privilege in what you are sharing. Too often we leave death to someone else, we are scared of it, we don't want to face it and we miss the opportunity to properly say goodbye to someone. I'm reminded of my stepfather whose father died a number of years ago. My stepfather was a superb craftsman and he decided with his dad that he would make his coffin for him. He tells the story of getting very strange looks on the plane down to Tassie (where his dad lived) as he sat there sketching designs for his dad's coffin! Anyway mate, my thoughts are with you 1
Soundscape Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Eric Idle You doing the right thing David. By your friend of course, but equally important, by yourself. Karma can be an empowering thing. 2
Phantom Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Sometimes we are privileged to accompany a friend during their lifetime and also to the very end of their journey in this world. Not easy and amazingly sad, but also the ultimate expression of friendship and shared experience. Mostly, we avoid the experience of farewelling someone's time in this realm because our medical system and our society removes us from those precious but emotionally draining days and hours. This is a time for reflection, for celebration of a life lived, even though the celebration of that life signifies its imminent conclusion, but there is no greater honour or privilege to be had. Honours don't come easily and are not always easy to endure, but an honour it is indeed for you and your friend, to share those penultimate hours in active friendship and mutual recognition of a time passing. Be strong and brave, hold on to thoughts of friendship and remember that being there for someone in their final time in this world is the ultimate expression of caring. Peace and strength to both of you. 2
djb Posted August 10, 2014 Author Posted August 10, 2014 Rehab ^^^I'll watch it after the funeral?^^ SSZ THANKS you understand There are bits left out he's: over 75 A loner Disabled in several ways physically Polio as a child $$ Poor Built a huge Karma bank as an advocate for disabled ppls rights over 50 years SO it's not sad just inevitable Good things earned Bad decisions paid for
Guest kab Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) I would rather die with some dignity than just linger on. Your a great friend,cherish the final days with your mate. Edited August 10, 2014 by kab
ThirdDrawerDown Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 When a dear friend of mine died a year ago, I learned that part of the funeral arrangements was live streaming. Now, this is a good idea. We were able to see the funeral in NZ while physically in Melbourne. I learned some things about my friend that I didn't know and that I added to my treasure box of 'memories of my friend ' The Age Melbourne has obituaries for people who have lived worthy lives. As submitted by friends, family, former students etc. Your friend has touched many lives by the sound of it so this might be something to consider too. 1
Nada Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) ....... Posted not meaning to elicit sympathy bu thought you would......have ideas........ I think everything your doing is perfect. Being a real friend in his dying days, as you are, is what's important. Planning the funeral is just a means of putting the love into form. It might be a precious time to talk deeply about his views on life and death. His sharing at such a profound stage might give you some gems to read out at his funeral? I think your smart doing it soon. With the toxins building up his brain will start doing some weird stuff soon. He might start hallucinating and go into delirium but being in palliative care means he has expert help to exit in a comfortable and more lucid state. Can you ask him if hes got any advice for us? Respects. Edited August 10, 2014 by Nada
djb Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 (edited) NEAR DECEASED=ND very CHIRPPY to day Doctor had been to see him and was intrigued that was still alive He had "outlived their expectations" Will be 3,weeks wednesday since last dialysis Nada I agre re your prognosis My father died of kidney failure aged 88 The poisons did what you suggest ND is sleeping more Mind strong Met a niece today very gentle loving person Funeral arranged She bought his chosen suit and an Essendon scarf for the laying out Edited August 11, 2014 by djb 1
GregWormald Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 The only alternative to grief is never to love. Greg 1
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